Sueicide
by lifeofmine
Summary: Hermione-sue parody. This is my friends femslash "hermione isnt who she says she is" fic that I have hijacked and turned parody. My friend is serious... my interjections however...


**AN: THIS IS LIFEOFMINE AND THIS IS MY BEAUTIFULL PARODY**

**Pairing: **Fleur/Hermione

**Rating: **Teen - Mature

**Warning: **FEMSLASH! In the major. Don't like, call 1-800-TOO-BAD….or (1-800-STRAIGHT-AS-FUCK) and just fall off the face of the earth….either is fine with me.

**Summery:** Hermione Granger is not the girl everyone thinks she is.(Because how _could_ she actually be what JK says she is? And how would JK know anyway.)

**A.N. **Okie Dokie, ppls. So I got this great idea (humph) about Hermione because I just KNOW(cough cough… my apologies, continue.) that she's not like what everyone thinks, so I decided to write this down. And since I love mystery, action, romance and Hermione/Fleur pairings, (now developing a permanent twitch) I decided to write that too. Hope you all enjoy! (and _I_ hope that you don't hunt down my …friend… and shoot her for the reality of what she's written…)

Oh, and by the way, this is MY story, (or so you think *winks*) so I don't want to hear any cries of "Mary Sue" or "Pepper Jack Cheese". The Mary-Sue I cannot help,(blab la blaaa) because my whole story is totally OOC and nearly all AU. Pepper Jack Cheese I will try to keep to a minimum.(ahem whem) This is my story, and I would appreciate some respect. If you don't like it, don't read it. (or just add in your own comments and post as a parody)

-anonomys (anonomys my hairy ass Ariana)

**Prologue **

Hermione Granger was not the girl everyone thought she was.(Naturally) In fact, no one really knew her at all (save for the vibrating blast-ended screwt that she kept beneath her pillow for special occasions). She was not a worry-wart. She was not shy. She was not bossy, and she definitely was _not_ naïve (true, she was quite fond of foursomes with her professors). She wasn't invisible. She wasn't young in body or in mind. Her hair wasn't frizzy, or even brown (except in that special place), for that matter. The only thing that everyone had right about her was that she loved school (especially the dungeons). She was smart (she always used a condom), and she loved to study (anatomy).

But, when Hogwarts got out for summer, when Hermione stepped off that train, she was no longer the person everyone believed her to be…no longer the person everyone wanted her to be.

You see, Hermione Granger was one complex individual. Once you think you had her figured out, she would do something (or someone) to put your world spinning on its head once again. Being a witch only intensified that. She greatly enjoyed tricking people, giving them a headache (and wandless orgies at the dinner table). She loved to watch confusion flit across their faces, followed quickly by astonishment, suspicion, sometimes even embarrassment. Of course, this was only one thing of many that no one knew.

Every summer, as she watched the Weasleys load up into their magicked car, and Harry drive dejectedly away with his aunt and uncle, Hermione would smile, and thank the actors she had paid time and time again to play her parents. Once they had their reward – around 500 pounds each – she would sigh and allow all of the glamour spells to wash off of her body. The frizzy hair would straighten out and slowly begin to shorten. The brown would fade to blue, or purple, or blonde or green, (or orange, or red, or white, or catipillar black, or… [oh so they've gotten the point then?]) depending on whatever mood she allowed herself to dye her hair. Her overly normal brown eyes would become slightly lighter, and her bookwormish body, hidden by robes and disguised by glamours, would grow a few inches (a trait that would be much appreciated by ron… who wouldn't mind…growing…) and develop the toned physique that comes with the ease of only those born with it. (and a ginormus penis would begin to grow and flop about in her knickers) Her proper, frumpy clothes would transform into tight fitting black jeans (with a slight bulge in the crotch) and a white rock-n-roll boy-beater, and her shoes would be army boots instead of loafers. Her shy, mousey aura would dissipate, leaving behind only a self confident, proud young woman (for all everyone else knew).

Once her transformation was finished, she would sigh happily and stretch (her peis), feeling as if she had washed a years worth of mud (and semen) off of her skin. Breathing deeply, she would allow the city air to bring her back to the reality of the muggle world and, a Cheshire grin lighting her face, she would set off, looking for her car.

It would be parked in the parking lot across the street from platform 9 ¾, as it always was, awaiting her glorious return, a sexy black 2007(though there's no way that the thing could be a 2007 because, 1. canon is set in the 90's, and 2. if she just got out of school where she's been for a year, it would have to be an 06 at the very least.) Jaguar XKR convertible. Hoping in without bothering to open the door (for the hood was always down and of course, it sits for an entire year and nothing ever gets stolen or damaged), she would breathe in the smell of leather seats, put the key in the ignition, and start her life over, once again.

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Ok, so that's the beginning. And yes, lifeofmine,(yay that's me) you can now start your parody. :) Enjoy!(muaaahaaaahaaaaaahaaa mua-muahahahahahhhaaaa) (grins evily)

**Disclaimer:** Blah blah blah I don't own Harry Potter or the song 'Cuz I Can' by P!nk. Blah blah blah. (yeah yeah, and I don't own the cucumbers in the vegetable drawer but that's never stopped me before)

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